For the sake of trying something different and keeping myself occupied for the next nine hours of the day, I've decided to treat you all to a running diary of the NFL draft. As sad as it is to say, I've been looking forward to today for quite some time, and have historically watched the first day of the draft for many years. What can I say, it's my guilty little dork pleasure. And this year, I'm not going to be alone as Phil and Sundje will be joining me in our over-the-top sports obsession. With any luck, now you too will be able to feel like you're sitting here right next to me; here for the laughs, here for the stories, here for the funny observations, and most importantly, here for us making fun of the Detroit Lions for drafting another wide receiver (let's keep the fingers crossed).
Here's a few things we'll be keeping our eyes open for:
1. Who will the Eagles draft at spot 26? For obvious reasons, this is the most important part of the day. On the off chance that keeping a running diary of the NFL draft turns out to be more of a chore than a joy, we'll at least be going up to this point in the day. All the common fans have been excited about all the offseason acquisitions, but the draft is what I look to for roster improvement. In my mind, the offense is fine the way it is (they were the second ranked offense last year, even after McNabb's knee threw in the towel), but the defense has plenty of holes to fill. The loss of
Kearse last year hurt Jim Johnson's plans for a DE rotation, our linebackers were ineffective, and our secondary was shown to be too thin to pick up the slack for the length of a season.
Place your bets now, but I'm putting my money on the Eagles addressing one of three positions with their first pick: defensive end (too many old players), a cornerback (not enough talent behind
Lito and
Sheldon) or a safety (in preparation for the inevitable future without
Brian Dawkins). If the draft another offensive lineman, I'll be surprised. If they draft a running back, I'll have to check my pulse. If the draft a wide receiver, I'm going to shit my pants. Let's hope for everyone's sake that I'm right.
2. Who will get stranded in the green room this year? You can count on it like the changing of the seasons. The NFL invites a certain number of players who are expected to go early to the draft so we can see their reactions when they get selected, and every year there's one guy who goes a lot later than people thought and we get to watch the hilarious faces he makes as teams keep overlooking him. Like a car wreck, you can't help but watch. The obvious pick this year is Brady Quinn, but I feel as though Adrian Peterson is the dark horse candidate this year (projected to go to Cleveland at #3).
3. How many times will Sundje pass gas? After some heavy discussion between Phil and myself, we've decided to set the over/under at 1850.5 farts for the length of the first round. I'm taking the over.
4. Will the Bengals actually learn their lesson and select someone who didn't go to the Penitentiary U? I mean, here's a team who seems to have a player get arrested once a week. And to be honest, I'm tired of hearing the recent rash of bullshit of how they didn't know some of these players had character issues. Give me a fucking break; we're talking about multi-million dollar organizations who dissect everything from game film to vertical jump measurements to cup size. For the last few years, talent and upside has trumped off-field issues. With the suspensions of Pac-man Jones and Chris Henry this off season and the jail sentence of Chicago DT Tank Johnson, maybe upper management will actually steer clear of these guys.
5. All the little things. Who is wearing a ridiculous suit. How big is Calvin Johnson's posse? Will Mel Kiper finally get into a fist fight with the GM of a team who drafted a player he feels is overrated? Will the Redskins realize that they actually have a first round draft pick and do everything in their powers to trade it away for an over hyped player in the decline of his career? Will the Viking remember to actually select a player on time? Will the Patriots make a trade, will the Broncos move up again, will the Bears select on defense again? Will this running diary even be interesting to read or will it be a giant waste of time? All questions that need to be answered. Let's get to it.
11:44 am - The pre-draft coverage has been going officially for 45 minutes, and unofficially for two months, and I'm ready to piss my pants. However, ESPN just threw us over to the Monday Night Football crew, which reminds me: will Ron Jaworski be an upgrade over Theismann? I know that Jaws can be unbearable at times on TV, that he loves the QB position more than his own children, and that he's an absolute homer when it comes to the Eagles, but Theismann was no spring chicken. At the least, he and Tony Kornheiser are actually friends off camera, so I'm hopeful that throwing together two guys who genuinely like each other in a booth will be a good thing for us all.
11:51 am - Roger Goodell kicks off his career as the new commish the right way: by honoring the family of Virginia Tech and paying respect to the students who lost their lives in that tragedy earlier this month. Whether it's high school, college or the NFL, we're all one big football family. In spite of the presence of the overrated Michael Vick on stage, I approve.
11:58 am - In an absolute 180 degree turn in mood, Sundje steps up to the plate with a lovely little internet nugget. The kid is unstoppable. If you don't want to get an idea of what it's like to live with Sundja,
DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK. LOL, wow.
Noon - ESPN gets us excited for the NFL draft with another over-the-top, highly dramatic-till-it's-corny draft room production. We get it guys, these teams are under a lot of stress to make the right move for the franchise, but Christ. We don't need a mini-movie to get excited about football because anyone watching the draft right now is already a beer and brat away from a heart attack.
12:04 pm - In case you're wondering, here's our draft coverage lineup: the always spectacular Chris Berman; draft specialist Mel Kiper, who was thawed from his cryogenic freeze the minute the Super Bowl was over; the insightful and well-connected Chris Mortenson; Steve Young, who may or may not know he's covering the NFL draft; and to fulfill the "hey, we should have a colorful black current or ex-player to meet our quota" obligations, we have Keyshawn Johnson! I don't even need a joke for that, it's funny on it's own.
12:09 pm - Courtesy of the Swami: "The Raiders are on the clock with the first pick of the draft, and they earned it the hard way, the
Raiders of the Loss Art." I love this guy. Everyone is saying the LSU QB JaMarcus Russell is the guy that Oakland needs, but considering that this is a team with the corpse of Al Davis at the helm, they could select
Bobby Boucher and I wouldn't flinch. By the way, Steve Young just said the word "moxy" about 20 times in the span of 2 minutes. Get that man some decaf.
12:20 pm - It's official, the Raiders select Russell with the first pick. No real surprise here. I couldn't even name their quarterback from last year, so it was certainly a need of the team. The best part is that he looked like an inmate on death row when he walked up on stage. I know that you have to go to Oakland, and I feel bad about that, but you are the first overall pick in the NFL draft. . . . can we pretend to be excited? Regardless, Detroit is now on the clock and I'm giddy in anticipation.
12:25 pm - Phil as we watched the premier of the Vince Young-starring Madden '08 commercial: "Prepare to get injured next season Mr. Young." Sad but true. I underestimated that curse last year when I selected Shaun Alexander for my fantasy team. Never again.
12:30 pm - It seems that Matt Millen isn't wasting any time, and they select. . . drum roll please. . . A WIDE RECEIVER! Oh happy day. We're talking here about a team that has wasted 3 previous early first round picks on WR's, only one of whom worked out. We're also talking about a GM who is hated,
and I mean hated, by the football fans of Detroit. Sure, Calvin Johnson is a player with prototypical size, speed and athleticism for the position, but come on. It's not as if the Lions don't have a laundry list of other more significant needs.
But no, good for you Matt. If Brady Quinn goes on to have a killer season, or if your defense ranks near the bottom of the league, you'll look like the biggest dope on the planet. Wait, Matt Millen is already the biggest dope on the planet. I guess he can't really do any worse.
12:38 pm - Will Suzy Kolber ever reach the point where she can do a serious sports interview without every person in America remembering her embarrassing encounter with Joe Namath and his drunken request for a kiss? For my sake, I hope not.
12:41 pm - To the sound of resounding boos by Cleveland fans, the Turds select OT Joe Thomas with the third overall selection instead of Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson. Probably the safe pick and the right pick, but you can't deny what an insult it must be to be passed over for a lineman who'd rather be fishing with his dad than be present for the NFL draft (right now, the unofficial front runner for most legit dude move of the year; rather than dress up and sit in a room waiting to hear your name called, the guy goes on a fishing trip to spend time with his dad). Needless to say, Quinn looks like someone just punched him in the stomach.
12:45 pm - Sundje treats us to his first three-stage fart of the day. Like Old Faithful in Yellowstone, the kid is always good for one. I'm glad I took the over.
12:54 pm - Tampa Bay lost a coin flip to Cleveland for who would get the third overall pick, and they had hoped that Calvin Johnson would fall into their laps, so thus far things haven't gone the way of the Bucs. With not a whole lot of options, they select Gaines Adams, DE from Clemson. Odds are that they still might package him, another player and a later pick to the Lions for Johnson.
And in case you missed it, Brady Quinn (the popular pick) and Adrian Peterson (beastly RB and my pick for draft day snub) are still sitting in the green room.
12:58 pm-
Another internet gem, this time from Phil. Once again, the lesson as always, is never. . . wait, there is no lesson here. There is no way that that little white guy should be able to take that elephant of a man. It seems that the video section of Ebaums world is making its return today, I'll have to check some of them out later. Judging by the laughter of Phil and Jason, there are some goodies.
1:03 pm - In an attempt to bolster the protection for Matt Leinert, the Cardinals select Levi Brown, the OT from Penn State. Another unsexy football pick, but again, the probably the right move. They drafted a quarterback last year and traded for the Edge to add a running threat, so defensive deficiencies aside, the other need was on the offensive line. The house consensus: solid move.
1:07 pm - Two hilarious things to mention. First, the Skins are on the clock with their only pick of the day (Berman noted that the Redskins have had fewest draft picks of any team since 2000, and no second, third or fourth this year) and I'm foaming at the mouth at the mere chance of them trading it away. Please trade away your future yet again Ed Snyder, I'll love you even more. Second,
why were these guys playing on such a windy day? A player get hit in the face by flying debris and I bust up laughing. . . . I need help.
1:13 pm - Judging the the live feed celebration of LaRon Landry jumping up and down and grinning ear to ear, it seems that the Redskins might actually keep their pick and select the best safety in the draft. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not a little disappointed.
1:17 pm - It's official, Landry is the 6th selection in the 2007 NFL draft. It's also official, Charly Bun has joined us here in the war room. It's a full-fledged par-tay now. In fact, it's so exciting here that I'm more than certain that Sundje has fallen asleep (the guy was a cat in a past life, we're all convinced of this).
1:24 pm - Sour Cream and Onion Kettle Cooked Chips, for the win.
1:28 pm - Holy shitballs. The Vikings just selected Adrian Peterson with the 7th pick in spite of the fact that Chester Taylor had a tremendous year for them last year (do I smell possible mini-camp ego competition). The logic here is simple: Taylor is a quality back, but wore down as the year went on as he was the only work horse coming out of the backfield. Peterson (with a diamond crusted watch bigger than my head) gives them talented depth and an imposing one-two punch. If their defense stays strong and they improve their passing game from pathetic to only a farce, they might be the team to watch next year.
So much for my "Adrian Peterson getting the draft-day snub" theory. Brady Quinn, congratulations, your trophy is in the mail.
1:36 pm - "I'm going to need to change my boxers after this." Quick update: ten total farts and it's not even 2pm.
1:38 pm - Before I get to the pick, I want to say that I hate the Falcons, especially Michael Vick. Mostly, I just hate Michael Vick. He's overrated, can't run an offense, can't throw a football with touch, and risks setting the franchise back a year every time he tucks the ball and starts running all over the field. He's a menace that needs to be stopped. That's all I got for ya.
Anyway, Atlanta looks to improve on their meager pass rush from last season by drafting Jamaal Anderson, the defensive end from Arkansas. Right now, the ESPN crew is debating whether this guy has any upside left or if he was a college flash in the pan, but all I know is that this kid has the biggest mouth I've ever seen in my entire life. Shannon Sharpe and Tony Robbins are in love with this kid.
1:47 pm - Steve Young just equated drafting the right player for a team to picking the right singer on American Idol. Someone find out if his pupils are dilated and ask him what day it is.
1:51 pm - Right when the draft is going the way you think it might, right when the sea of fans has reached an absolute calm, and right when Kiper is beginning to think that he's got this draft-prediction thing down, Miami makes it a true NFL draft with a nice little "
curve ball": Ted Ginn Jr., WR. A team that
NEEDS a QB badly, along with many other positions, and they pass on Quinn at number 9 for a wide receiver??? I'm gonna need to lay down for a minute.
It's also entirely possible now that Quinn could drop down to the middle of the first round. If Houston doesn't select him next, his fall in the draft will be even more painful than Leinerts fall last year (and might contend with Aaron Rogers in 2005, who dropped all the way to Green Bay at 24). Keyshawn, Steve Young and Mel Kiper are two second away from exchanging blows.
2:04 pm - Sundje is very pleased as Goodell announces that the Texans have selected Amobi Okoye, a 6'2" 302 lb defensive tackle from Louisville. Not only that, he's the youngest player ever drafted by the NFL at 19 years of age, so it's possible that he's not done growing either. It should be noted that this is the same Texans team that drafted the monstrous Mario Williams last year with the first overall selection, and that pairing that DE with Okoye is a scary proposition for the other teams in the AFC south.
2:18 pm - Patrick Willis, considered the best all around LB from Ole Miss is now a member of the San Fransisco 49er's, and Steve Young is excited. Calm down mister Young, you don't play for the 49er's anymore. On the plus side, the two best corners in the draft are still on the big board, and the further that they fall, the more likely it is that a quality player in the secondary will fall to the Eagles.
***The new Madden '08 commercial featuring Reggie Bush is what we call turning a frown upside down***
2:27 pm - No surprise as the Bills make up for the loss of Willis McGahee by picking up the only other 1st-round worthy running back in the draft, Marshawn Lynch of California. I think I'll use my primary draft-day compliment here: "solid choice". Yeah, that works.
2:35 pm - ESPN Monday night crew start discussing the fall of Brady Quinn down the draft as they brilliantly cut to live footage of Joe Thomas on a boat in lake Michigan with his Dad and some friends, reeling in a big catch. In the background, we hear Tony and Mike Tirico speculate as to whether Brady will fall down farther than Aaron Rogers in 2005. The NFL draft. . . . it's FANNNNNN-tastic!
2:41 pm - Rams keep the Quinn pitty party going by selecting Adam Carriker, a defensive end, which might hurt their bid to become the next version of the old Colts (all offense, no defense). Now we get to hear Keyshawn Johnson talk about the needs of the Carolina Panthers. For the sake of entertainment, I hope that we get another curveball and watch Keyshawn squirm as him team grabs a WR. Keep the fingers crossed.
2:44 pm - The Jets fans are awake. A loud burst from the crowd was followed by a PA announcement of a trade which allowed NY to move up all the way from 25 to 14. Seriously, Jets fans are right up there with Giants and Eagles fans as "fans most likely to throw a keg at a professional football player." I love these guys. Hell, some already have changed from cheers to boos after hearing the details of the trade (Carolina's 1st and 6th for the Jets 1st, 2nd and 5th).
2:53 pm - Judging by the lack of blood and thrown beer bottles, the Jets fans seem happy about the selection of Darrelle revis, a CB from Pitt. It was widely known that the Jets were in need of help in the secondary, and when they traded up, this is what the fans were hoping for. Another crisis averted, and other lost opportunity in the name of humor.
2:59 pm - In an effort to replace Joey Porter and his trash talking, the Steelers take LB Lawrence Timmons.
But fuck our cross-state rivals. We've almost reached the midway point of the draft, my back hurts, my stomach is empty, and the funny videos and farting and tailed off considerably. Doing a running diary of an NFL draft is much harder than I thought it would be. One more pick to go and we're taking a break.
3:07 pm - Brady Quinn Sighting!!! Earlier, they whisked him away to save him from further embarrassment on the draft room floor. Like Hitler hiding in his bunker at the end of the war, Suzy Kolber has unearthed him in the commissioners private room. Sundje feels that Suzy should cheer him up. I won't bother to elaborate.
3:12 pm - Another curveball, this time thanks to the Green Bay Brett Favres. Looking to improve their defense, they go with DT Justin Harrell (a 300 lb boy), only this guy was projected to go at 32 to the Colts much later in the draft. Not as significant as the Miami pick, but still a bit strange.
OK, so we're half way through the first round, time to give my fingers a break. I'll be back to cover the rest of the round in twenty minutes after I change my diaper and order some wings. See you later.
Back for round two. If you're unaware, I've decided to keep a running diary of the NFL Draft, separating it into two parts. Scroll down (it might take awhile) and check out the Part I, which covers the first sixteen picks of the first round. After taking a break, stretching the back and ordering some grub, it's time to get back on the horse and close this bitch out, so here we go.
3:49 pm - Bad news for the Eagles. The Titans opted to not give Vince Young a better receiving threat and went ahead and grabbed Michael Griffin, the safety from Texas, the same Michael Griffin that was expected to be there for the Eagles at the 26 spot. Reggie Nelson, the safety from Florida, is still on the board, but after that the group of quality secondary players begins to thin. Let's hope we start seeing some lineman and WRs coming off the board.
Time for a BBQ wings break, but I'll be back in time for the Eagles.
4:58 pm - And right on cue, the Eagles trade away their pick to Dallas. Please excuse me while I stick my head in an oven and resuscitate Phil.
