Sincerely, Yourself

wisdom: noun - accumulated philosophic or scientific learning, ability to discern inner qualities and relationships
- Webster's Dictionary


"The truth hurts so bad, wouldn't you say? So why tell it? If ignorance is bliss, then I'm in heaven now."

"If I told you that I knew about the sun and the moon, I'd be untrue, The only thing I know for sure is what I wanna do."
- QOTSA

To: John Tegan, May 28th, 2006

Greetings and salutations, I hope this note finds you well. I recently finished reading your latest update and felt compelled to contact you immediately. You see, from time to time, I enjoy reliving the past and find your entries to be very entertaining and insightful. As we speak, you are currently looking ahead to the future; your imminent trips to Virginia and New Hampshire, your last co-op, and a house in the city full of friends.

For all intent and purpose, however, this is not what one would call a jubilant message. Instead, my hope is to prepare you somewhat for the events that are about to happen and, in some way, impart any foreknowledge that you may find to be useful.

That knowledge begins with a sobering truth: the next two years will be the most difficult and, quite frankly, worst years of your life.

Take a second to digest this information.

. . .

Sorry buddy, it's the truth. If you don't believe me, just wait another eight weeks. Over that short period of time, you'll have a close friendship completely severed, lose out on that well-paying job you'd been banking on for months, and become some girl's very temporary rebound guy.

Sounds pretty rough right? It gets worse. There will be more friends, jobs and girls that will slip away. People you rely on the most in life will change, and as they do, the ideals you've built your very character on (integrity and an unwavering refusal to compromise your ideals) will leave on the outside looking in.

The house you live in will destroy itself from the inside. What starts as a collective friendship will splinter, again and again, resulting from a seemingly endless parade of arguments and unspoken resentments. This infighting will reach a crescendo when a close friend simply can't take it anymore and leaves, followed soon after by others longing for the lease to terminate months before it actually will.

The very landscape of your life will change dramatically. You will be broke, and not just "I'm-in-college" broke, but truly without money. Things will become so tight for you that at one point you will unemployed with less than $100 to your name and a growing stack of bills. The emotions you are going to experience during this phase will be magnified by the fact that you have dropped out of Drexel and are no longer pursuing a degree in chemical engineering. It will be very hard for you to make this decision, and while you will find comfort in the knowledge that it is the right decision for your future, it will not make the consequences of that decision any less difficult.

And then there is this: you will find love. It'll show up in the most unexpected of places under the strangest of circumstances, but it's existence will be undeniable. With it, you will experience some of the greatest joys of your life and learn some of its most crucial lessons. You will succeed far better than you though you could; you will show yourself completely to someone, put their needs ahead of your own, show compassion and understanding, make thoughtful comments and gestures, trust completely and commit fully.

Yet your faith in this love, just like your faith in friendships before it, will make its demise even more painful. She will break up with you and you will be unable to understand why, and I can't honestly say that you ever will. Others will say that she met someone else, she'll say she didn't, and you'll believe her. Others will say she didn't really love you, she'll say she does, and you'll believe her. In the weeks that follow, your mind will grapple with all that has happened and every fiber of your being will tell you that what you believe is true, but something as scandalous as "another man" would tragically be easier for you to understand. Your inability to comprehend the why will drive you mad.

Sorry kid, I wish I had better things to tell you. I wish I could say that you'll get that job you want, that you'll eventually warm up to engineering, that every friendship you make will last forever or that the girl you love won't rip your heart out. I warned you, this wasn't going to be a happy message.

Instead, this is a message of hope. In spite of all the hardships you will face, you will survive them all, and the lessons you'll learn will be important ones. You'll learn about yourself and, more importantly, finally gain confidence in what you see. You'll learn that money isn't the most important thing in life and act accordingly to achieve eventual happiness. You'll rediscover the importance of your family. You'll "have loved and lost", and evolved as a result.

You'll be better off...

We'll be better off...

We hope we'll be better off.

Sincerely,
Yourself

Itch to Scratch

If you pay attention to sports in this area, you'd know that the Phillies just kicked off the baseball season. You'd know that the Sixers, in spite of lacking a true super-star and picked by most experts to be bottom dwellers in the East, have turned things around with an impressive young nucleus of players and are in the playoff hunt. Ditto for the Flyers, who went from the worst record in the league last year to being a possible playoff team this year.

We're approaching one of the busiest periods in sports, where one season begins and two others move into the hunt to crown a champion.

And yet, I'm excited about football.

As a general sports fan, I'm somewhat embarrassed, but I can't help it. The free agency period has been active, teams have been making moves and rosters are taking shape. Plus, one of my favorite events of the year, the NFL draft, is quickly approaching (April 26th, mark the calendar!) and with it the chance to see someone I know personally get drafted, on the first day no less (a couple different websites have Flacco going to either Atlanta or Baltimore in the first half of the second round, and no, this still just doesn't seem real).

With the owners meeting ending this past weekend, and compensatory picks awarded to finalize the draft, here are some lingering football thoughts. . . you know, in case you really cared:

Owners Meeting - As far as I can tell, there was no decision made by the owners on the current issue with the CBA, which means that we'll probably have to wait till the last minute in November to find out whether football will be dead in 3 years. In the current agreement with the players union signed two years ago, there was an option for the owners to opt out in 2008, which would translate to business as usual in '08 and '09, an uncapped season in 2010, and then football's funeral in 2011. The owners have found that the increase in revenue funneled to players (now 60%) and an escalating cap are severely cutting into profits and creating a situation where players are being compensated too much.

Surprisingly, I agree with the owners on this one, although I sincerely hope they can find a way to resolve the issue as soon as possible, and not to just save the sport, but also the cap. I love the salary cap, in every form in every sport, because it financially levels the playing field and promotes good economics by the teams. If the cap goes away in 2011, the players will fight tooth and nail to make sure it never comes back, and then we'll have baseball (I'm throwing up a little in my mouth right now). Being a fan of one of the Big Five franchises in the league, you'd think that I'd welcome an uneven playing field where the wealthier teams can field all-star rosters, but you'd be wrong. Very wrong.

Rule Changes - When they aren't discussing the future of football at the owners meetings, they are voting on proposed rule changes in the league. The rules that were changed can be found here, and there are three that I have issue with:

1. The force-out rule should have never been removed. Coaches complained that it was too subjective, but so are half the rules that the refs have to enforce, so why is this one any different. In my mind, it's ridiculous to say that if a receiver is jumping to catch a ball, all a defender has to do is shove him out of bounds while in flight to nullify the catch. To me, the worry now is that we'll see offensive coordinators and QBs around the league shy away from pass plays to the sidelines, as defenses will now have a much easier time defending such plays.

2. The elimination of the 5-yard facemask penalty is a concern. Watching games last season, Phil and I would often complain about how quickly 15-yarders were handed out for penalties that looked to be of the incidental, 5-yard variety. It was a rule that was often unenforced, which to me was always an issue of misinterpretation by the officials. Now the motivation behind this rule change is that if a defender grabs the facemask incidentally and quickly lets go, then the referees are not going to call a penalty, but if they couldn't even distinguish that as a 5-yard penalty before, why are they going to be able to do so now. The real issue with the rule was that the difference between the two penalties was clearly not understood well enough by officials, but rather than the league addressing that issue, they simply removed the rule. I hope that they really will just let the incidental stuff go, but I won't be surprised at all if we still see the flags fly, with game-changing consequences.

3. A rule that was not changed was the proposed ban on hair player hair length, which I'm happy about as long as they don't make it illegal to get tackled by the hair. If the league wants guys like Troy Polamalu to hide the hair under the helmet for safety reasons or to just present a cleaner image to the public, then I'm fine with that. John Smallwood of the Daily News recently addressed this issue:

Still, some might view these things as freedom of expression issues. They aren't.

Many constitutional freedoms are to protect citizens from intrusion of government, not private industries. More important, people often confuse freedom of speech and expression with meaning that saying or doing whatever you want is without cost.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Chalk it up to a uniform issue. Instead, the owners decided to pass on the rule and not risk confrontation with some of their more prominent stars, and that's fine too. At the same time, if you want to have a flowing mane of hair that reaches the small of your back, I don't want any complaints if a chasing defender dives to catch you and only comes up with a bundle of hair to bring you down. Chalk THAT up to an occupational hazard.

Compensatory Picks - I love the compensatory system. You let players go, sign others to replace them, and based on the salaries and impacts of players coming and going, the league uses a mysterious system to award teams additional, untradable draft picks in compensations. The most a team can get is 4, and the Eagles snagged three in this years upcoming draft. This means they will have 11 picks overall in the draft, putting them in a good position to move up in a few places and grab some better talent. By the way, you know you really have a football obsession when you not only know what the hell a compensatory pick is, but you also look forward to them being announced.

The Draft - As I mentioned, Flacco is probably getting drafted in the second round, which will be a surreal event. Considering most of the people that read this are from Audubon, I doubt this even needs to be addressed (for the record, and mark this down, let me make it clear that I will not root for Joe if he finds himself on the Cowboys roster, and I will not budge on this).

Currently, I'm strongly considering taking off from work so I can watch the first day, something I love to do. Two issues that would arise would be where I'd watch the draft and whether I should rock the live draft blog again, to which I'm leaning towards yes.

Either way, it'll be a funky adventure.

My Friend Pterry

I'm usually pretty good with words, and most times I have little difficulty deciding how to start writing about the topic de jour. On top of that, you could certainly qualify me as opinionated. So why am I having trouble starting this entry?

Because Paris Hilton just bothers me that much. She's been the topic of quite a few conversations with friends, both men and women, and it feels like every time I see her face on TV or in a magazine, my opinion of her grows stronger and stronger. Needless to say, I don't particularly like her, and frankly, I'd be surprised if anyone I know disagrees.

She's a snobby, spoiled and selfish Uber trust-fund baby who's accomplished nothing in life but getting trashed, making sex tapes, and globe trotting her way in front of cameras with more look-at-me desperation than I've ever seen. She is the poster child for entitlement; a quality of my generation that has been nurtured by the "you're so special" adults desperately wanting to instill their children with confidence and a quality that I've come to despise. She's helped create a culture where fame is the ultimate goal in life for young people, not achievement, and it's that material driven culture that has placed her on her little pedestal and continues to feed her undeserved need for attention. In a perfect world, I'd be able to make someone like Paris go away and just disappear.

So you could imagine how delighted I was to discover a volcano brewing right in my backyard!

Yeah, that's right. With magma.

And that's not even the best part. While exploring my new surroundings and determining how best to utilize my volcano, near the base I found what looked to be a dinosaur egg. I held on to it, and sure enough, it hatched into a very healthy, very righteous, and very omnipotent Pterodactyl. His name is Pterry (not very original, I know, but Pterry the Pterodactyl has a nice ring to it).

Now I'm not condoning violence, but the fact is that Pterry does come from a very cut-throat time and has a mind of his own. Luckily for me, Pterry is a loyal pet who would never hurt me or the people I love and care about, but on the flip side, he has a nasty habit of delivering swift justice on those who consistently draw my ire.

So it's with a heavy heart that I inform those reading that during the night Pterry, without asking me whether it was a good idea or not, went out and saw "The Hottie and The Nottie" and absolutely lost it, flew to L.A. in a fit of rage, grabbed a half naked and loaded Paris and dropped her right in my volcano. I want to assure you that not only did I scold him for acting so impulsively (though I have to admit, I admire his moxy) but that the lazy eye was there before he even touched her.

Anyway, while Paris was the first, it turns out she wasn't the last. Pterry is a very active dinosaur and very impressionable, so he took it upon himself to help his friend out and make some other people go away:

Britney Spears - I could handle the teen pop queen, even if her face was a little too visible and her music a little too horrible. But this new Britney had to go. She's shaving her head, flashing the V while getting out of cars, taking drugs, partying late (with Paris no less), and losing her kids to Kevin Federline. Yes, that's right, the fact a court judge actually decreed that K-Fed was more able to raise children then ANY human being on the planet is insane! Britney, why are you spending more money on clothes each month than on child support? Do you even care about seeing your kids? Are you even coherent right now? I guess not anymore.

**And for the record, you people that eat up the Britney and Paris news and feed this damn machine better get your act together or Pterry will be making house calls**

Peyton Manning - Sorry Colts fans, but is there a bigger self-promoter out there right now? Listen, it's nothing personal, and believe it or not, it's not even because I dislike you as a player (this has already been covered). It's because of the shameless gusto with which you've put your face and name on every commercial product under the sun. Hey, that's great that you donate the proceeds from your endorsement deals to charity, but have you no limit or shame? There was a time when you were a camera-shy dork of sorts, and for awhile it was endearing. Then the self-deprecating humorous commercials started rolling and you became America's sweetheart. Now you're nothing more than a salesman, and a poor one at that. Way to become slave to 'The Man' and his shiny picture box. . . wait, did I just see you speed licking Oreos??? Toss 'em Pterry.

Eagles fans who championed the Giants leading up to the Super Bowl - It seems Pterry has gone digital and checked the old blog archives. You all deserve it.

Matthew McConaughey - Why has so much been given to someone of such little substance? Let's get real here for a second and agree that "Dazed and Confused" is a tad bit overrated anyway and that it would be embarrassing for anyone in the acting community to be remembered for that minor role as their career achievement. After checking out IMDB, I spotted two movies that were genuinely good ("A Time to Kill" and "Amistad"), both flix in which he played an emotionally driven southern lawyer. Aside from that, the kid's got a long list of nothing. And for Christ's sake, Matt, put your damn shirt back on! All you're good for is inspiration for YouTube clips.

Crappy drivers - The good news is that Pterry, while having good intentions and certainly a dinosaur of his word, didn't realize just how many terrible drivers there are out there (I conservatively estimate 50% of the population would qualify). The bad news is that Pterry is very determined, so he's told me he'll keep a constant vigil until the job is done, so if you haven't been suddenly snatched out of thin air for texting while driving, take this warning as a second chance at life. Since I have no idea just how much you have to do to be viewed as a crappy driver, just cover all your bases.

That means: using your turn signals, especially when sitting at a red light before making a left; turn your headlights on when it's dark, raining, or both; quit stopping at yield signs when trying to merge onto a busy highway with cars whizzing by at 60 plus; passing traffic on the shoulder; and most importantly, passing people when in the left lane and making sure to get into the right lane when someone is coming up behind you, regardless of if you think they are going too fast.

Well right now, Pterry is fast asleep after a busy day. With any luck, the people he tossed in my volcano aren't hurt too bad and might one day climb their way out and set things right. But as sure as there are people in this world that annoy the crap out of me, Pterry will be out there trying to make things right.

Southern Blues

In the last week, I've lost my girlfriend for the next two months to her final clinical for school, had my bank screw up my checking account, and had my car broken into and my radio stolen. On the bright side, I spent last weekend in Florida with the Lady.

For the record, a winter trip to the wang of the country doesn't even come close to making up for the other shit going on in my life right now, but it's all I've got to cling to if I don't want to have a nervous breakdown, so I'll take it.

So while I've got a couple things planned for the next month on here (SPOILER!- one involves a volcano!), I thought I'd share a couple of vacation pictures with ya. Enjoy.

While everyone was looking out their windows in the cold and dreary northeast, this is what I was looking at.
Taking a bike ride in the neighborhood with the Lady.
Some of the neighbors. For reasons still unknown, there were live chickens hanging around on people's lawns too. I feel like you need to know this.
All the houses were as extravagant as this one, and they all look out onto the river. The ocean was only a few miles away.
There were oranges growing in the backyard! The entire time I knew I was in Florida, yet this somehow always amazed me.
The sun rising from the ocean on the morning of my birthday.
Went back to Cocoa beach after lunch to spend the day, producing one of the lasting images to hang on to for the next two months.

Sweet (less) Release

I sincerely hope that one day people will look back on the recent writer's strike and realize how ridiculous everyone was. Christ almighty, these last three months made me feel as if I'd been whisked away by some magical force, back in time, to when Americans felt fear and anger at the ongoing Iranian hostage crisis. Was Ted Koppel opening the evening news with "day 46 of the writer's strike" or was that just my imagination? I mean, how can we possibly function as a society when new episodes of LOST and Ugly Betty are in doubt?!?! Between the strike, the blowhards in Hollywood supporting their "brothers in arms" like wounded veterans, and the front page crotch-shots from Brittney, you begin to see how we're able to piss off so many people around the world.

Anyway, two weeks ago a deal was reached and a national crisis was averted; writers left picket lines and went back to work, production began on new episodes and movies, and once again children were able to smile. It all culminated tonight with the airing of the Oscars (oh boy). As the lords and ladies of pretend played dress up, patting each other on the back and awarding eachother with painted phallic symbols, two thoughts ran through my mind:

1. What the hell actually happened here? - Par for the course, most people knew about the strike, worried about it, and didn't have a damn clue what it was actually about. The short version is that the writers guild wanted double in residuals, increased jurisdiction, and compensation for streaming and downloadable online entertainment. Claiming they would take nothing short of a full victory, the writers hoped to put the squeeze on production companies such as CBS and Paramount Pictures with no new content to push on advertisers. These corporations began slowly airing already taped shows, added new reality programs to the mix (including the long overdue return of American Gladiator, which is deserving of its own post), and used the strike as an opportunity to cut the dead weight of failed shows and restructure their businesses. As the insanely rich weathered the storm, viewership dropped marginally as writers began to feel the weight of lost finances. Resolve began to waiver, voices of dissent rose from within (in a union where membership is forced, what a surprise), and in the end they settled for a 50/50 compromise.

So what actually happened here? The way I see it, the writers lost three months of pay because they thought they could win a game of chicken with a bunch of corporate heads who made their millions by being shrewd business men. The writers swerved first, settled for what they were essentially offered from the start, and now we're supposed to applaud.2. Oh the Irony - While everyone got all worked up about Hollywood shutting down, an amazing thing happened: I found myself in the middle of the best 12 month movie stretch that I've EVER seen. Now I'll grant you the obvious, that all these movies were completed long before the strike ever came to be, but that doesn't take away from the fact that while the writers hoped for consumer outrage, studios were unleashing an impressive group of quality movies.

In fact, it was in the midst of the strike that, for the first time in my life, there were three movies out that I legitimately wanted to see in theaters. It all started this past summer when the latest installment of Harry Potter, Spiderman 3 and Transformers came out within a 30 day period (headlined by 'Potter' for me, they ranged from excellent to pretty good). Since then, there's been:

No Country For Old Men (by far my favorite movie of the year)
I Am Legend (very excited to see)
Cloverfield (groundbreaking and suspenseful)
Juno (great movie that wasn't on my radar)
Eastern Promises (ditto)
American Gangster (not quite as powerful as Eastern Promises, but still a very good mob film)
3:10 To Yuma (best western in a long time)

Amazingly, each one was at worst a solid B+. This doesn't even cover the fact that there was an interesting re-release that I missed out on (Blade Runner) and four other movies that I'm still looking forward to seeing sometime soon (There Will Be Blood, Golden Compass, 10,000 B.C., Gone Baby Gone). Lastly, I'm drooling in anticipation of two more movies that will round out this great 12 month period: Indiana Jones IV (which will officially decide, according to Phil, the debate over which complete George Lucas series was the best) and the Dark Knight, a movie I'm positively giddy to see.

So as far as I'm concerned, I hope another strike happens next year if I can expect a block of movies like this. Let the good time roll!

Eggs Benedict on your Face

Dear Eagles fans who inexplicably rooted for the Giants in the Super Bowl,

Are you happy now?

Never before have I felt more betrayed as an Eagles fan as I did the last two weeks. The pricks from up the pike hoisted the Lombardi this weekend, culminating with a ticker-tape parade down Broadway to the cheers of thousands of blue bloods, and after desperately trying to come to grips with an utterly lost football season, all I have left is one question: are you fucking happy now?

Super Bowl XLII will be remembered as one of the biggest upsets in not only football history, but in all of sports, right up there with the 1980 US Hockey Team, the UNLV/Duke game, Joe Namath's prediction, and the 2004 ALCS. It was one of the most riveting football games I've ever seen, which is saying a lot when you consider the Eagles and Cowboys were not involved, and contrary to what I heard many people say, it was also one of the best Super Bowls of recent memory.

The best team in the league, riding an unbeaten streak, was going against the hottest team in the playoffs, and it was a bloodbath. Two teams slugged it out for three quarters, playing smash-mouth playoff football in a low scoring defensive struggle, all leading up to an amazing 4 lead changes in the fourth quarter with a historic finish.

When either team was down at the end of the game, their quarterback orchestrated scoring drives to put them ahead. But the Giants were the ones catching all the breaks and the Patriots were the ones missing them; and I'm not saying that to diminish what the Giants accomplished. Don't get me wrong, the Giants deserved to win this game and the Patriots deserved to lose it (even though I would argue that if they played this game out ten times, the Pats would win 8 of them). Yet you can't deny that while the Patriots dropped potential Eli Manning interceptions, failed to fall on fumbles, penalized themselves out of good field position, and made mistakes at the worst times, the Giants seemed to be capable of no wrong.

Now make no mistake, the Giants four man pass rush was possibly the best I've ever seen in my life in ANY game and was the biggest factor in the outcome. Every quarterback in the history of the league would have wilted under the pressure they were applying, and Tom Brady was no different. Eli engineering two touchdown drives in the fourth quarter was impressive, but hand the MVP award to that defensive line because they were the difference makers.

Which brings me back to all you traitors out there. How does it feel now? For the next year, every Giants fan you know won't be able to contain themselves in reminding us Eagles fans just how sweet it is and how pathetic we are. The talentless-but-tall Plaxico Burress, who KILLS the Eagles every year on that same fade to the corner of the endzone used to win XLII, has tears of joy streaming down his face as he holds the Lombardi trophy. When he's done, he'll hand it to Michael Strahan, the gap-toothed McNabb sacker who deflates us at least twice a year during a crucial third down sack that kills a Philadelphia drive.

Next year they'll be riding a wave of confidence. The world champion New York "Football" Giants chanting "18 and 1". Dealing with a 13 win Dallas team wasn't going to be tough enough, now we get to face the world champs in our own division.

And to top it all off, Eli Manning, the always inconsistent quarterback notorious for imploding, the quarterback who never looked confident, the quarterback you could count on to kill the Giants when the Eagles need him to, is gone. He's officially turned the corner; he's now a legitimate threat. He never wowed anyone with stats like his big bro, but for the most important five games in his young career he put the team on his shoulders and now he has a Super Bowl ring and MVP award to show for it. No longer a killer to his team, he's a killer to ours.

The real deal. . . .

Twice a year. . . .

And you cheered for it. You wanted it. For two weeks you talked about it, hoped for it, maybe even prayed for it. And why? Because one Super Bowl loss to a better team overrides decades of bitter rivalry? Because "that Bill Belichick seems like such a jerk" even though the Giants have Plaxico, Strahan AND Jeremy Shockey? Because you'd like to see someone else win for a change?

Well someone else did, and it wasn't us. The team we hate almost as much as the Cowboys just won it all.

And you willed it to happen. Congratulations. Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.

Sincerely, Me

P.S. I'm back fuckers