My Friend Pterry

I'm usually pretty good with words, and most times I have little difficulty deciding how to start writing about the topic de jour. On top of that, you could certainly qualify me as opinionated. So why am I having trouble starting this entry?

Because Paris Hilton just bothers me that much. She's been the topic of quite a few conversations with friends, both men and women, and it feels like every time I see her face on TV or in a magazine, my opinion of her grows stronger and stronger. Needless to say, I don't particularly like her, and frankly, I'd be surprised if anyone I know disagrees.

She's a snobby, spoiled and selfish Uber trust-fund baby who's accomplished nothing in life but getting trashed, making sex tapes, and globe trotting her way in front of cameras with more look-at-me desperation than I've ever seen. She is the poster child for entitlement; a quality of my generation that has been nurtured by the "you're so special" adults desperately wanting to instill their children with confidence and a quality that I've come to despise. She's helped create a culture where fame is the ultimate goal in life for young people, not achievement, and it's that material driven culture that has placed her on her little pedestal and continues to feed her undeserved need for attention. In a perfect world, I'd be able to make someone like Paris go away and just disappear.

So you could imagine how delighted I was to discover a volcano brewing right in my backyard!

Yeah, that's right. With magma.

And that's not even the best part. While exploring my new surroundings and determining how best to utilize my volcano, near the base I found what looked to be a dinosaur egg. I held on to it, and sure enough, it hatched into a very healthy, very righteous, and very omnipotent Pterodactyl. His name is Pterry (not very original, I know, but Pterry the Pterodactyl has a nice ring to it).

Now I'm not condoning violence, but the fact is that Pterry does come from a very cut-throat time and has a mind of his own. Luckily for me, Pterry is a loyal pet who would never hurt me or the people I love and care about, but on the flip side, he has a nasty habit of delivering swift justice on those who consistently draw my ire.

So it's with a heavy heart that I inform those reading that during the night Pterry, without asking me whether it was a good idea or not, went out and saw "The Hottie and The Nottie" and absolutely lost it, flew to L.A. in a fit of rage, grabbed a half naked and loaded Paris and dropped her right in my volcano. I want to assure you that not only did I scold him for acting so impulsively (though I have to admit, I admire his moxy) but that the lazy eye was there before he even touched her.

Anyway, while Paris was the first, it turns out she wasn't the last. Pterry is a very active dinosaur and very impressionable, so he took it upon himself to help his friend out and make some other people go away:

Britney Spears - I could handle the teen pop queen, even if her face was a little too visible and her music a little too horrible. But this new Britney had to go. She's shaving her head, flashing the V while getting out of cars, taking drugs, partying late (with Paris no less), and losing her kids to Kevin Federline. Yes, that's right, the fact a court judge actually decreed that K-Fed was more able to raise children then ANY human being on the planet is insane! Britney, why are you spending more money on clothes each month than on child support? Do you even care about seeing your kids? Are you even coherent right now? I guess not anymore.

**And for the record, you people that eat up the Britney and Paris news and feed this damn machine better get your act together or Pterry will be making house calls**

Peyton Manning - Sorry Colts fans, but is there a bigger self-promoter out there right now? Listen, it's nothing personal, and believe it or not, it's not even because I dislike you as a player (this has already been covered). It's because of the shameless gusto with which you've put your face and name on every commercial product under the sun. Hey, that's great that you donate the proceeds from your endorsement deals to charity, but have you no limit or shame? There was a time when you were a camera-shy dork of sorts, and for awhile it was endearing. Then the self-deprecating humorous commercials started rolling and you became America's sweetheart. Now you're nothing more than a salesman, and a poor one at that. Way to become slave to 'The Man' and his shiny picture box. . . wait, did I just see you speed licking Oreos??? Toss 'em Pterry.

Eagles fans who championed the Giants leading up to the Super Bowl - It seems Pterry has gone digital and checked the old blog archives. You all deserve it.

Matthew McConaughey - Why has so much been given to someone of such little substance? Let's get real here for a second and agree that "Dazed and Confused" is a tad bit overrated anyway and that it would be embarrassing for anyone in the acting community to be remembered for that minor role as their career achievement. After checking out IMDB, I spotted two movies that were genuinely good ("A Time to Kill" and "Amistad"), both flix in which he played an emotionally driven southern lawyer. Aside from that, the kid's got a long list of nothing. And for Christ's sake, Matt, put your damn shirt back on! All you're good for is inspiration for YouTube clips.

Crappy drivers - The good news is that Pterry, while having good intentions and certainly a dinosaur of his word, didn't realize just how many terrible drivers there are out there (I conservatively estimate 50% of the population would qualify). The bad news is that Pterry is very determined, so he's told me he'll keep a constant vigil until the job is done, so if you haven't been suddenly snatched out of thin air for texting while driving, take this warning as a second chance at life. Since I have no idea just how much you have to do to be viewed as a crappy driver, just cover all your bases.

That means: using your turn signals, especially when sitting at a red light before making a left; turn your headlights on when it's dark, raining, or both; quit stopping at yield signs when trying to merge onto a busy highway with cars whizzing by at 60 plus; passing traffic on the shoulder; and most importantly, passing people when in the left lane and making sure to get into the right lane when someone is coming up behind you, regardless of if you think they are going too fast.

Well right now, Pterry is fast asleep after a busy day. With any luck, the people he tossed in my volcano aren't hurt too bad and might one day climb their way out and set things right. But as sure as there are people in this world that annoy the crap out of me, Pterry will be out there trying to make things right.